The Silicon Valley Therapist series #01

This is my first article for LinkedIn on new perspectives for life in Silicon Valley:

As A Therapist In Silicon Valley I Believe Our Diversity Is An Illusion


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How To Choose A Therapist

Therapy is a blind item. It’s hard to tell what you’ll get until you try it. Also, therapy is different with each therapist. For any person there may be lots of therapists who can help, but each of these therapists may help you in a different way.

How do I choose?

Research shows the most important factor is whether you believe this therapist will help you. In other words, you need to get to know the therapist. In sessions, this can be a very expensive shopping trip!

Is there a better way? In my case, yes there is…

You can get a very good sense of who I am by watching the documentary film “ATARI: Game Over” on Netflix. Read this blog. You will get a pretty good window into who I am and how I approach things. You will likely have a gut reaction to this material as most people do.

Listen to your gut!

If you feel good about what you see you will probably feel good about working with me. If you don’t, then I urge you to go ahead and look elsewhere.

You know best. Trust yourself on this level.

Getting to know a therapist is a crucial part of your treatment. It’s just as important as them getting to know you. Do your best to find the right one and then go get better!

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What’s Therapy About?

At times we all find ourselves in difficult or absurd circumstances. This is simply the product of seeking satisfaction while working our way down the path of life. This does not make us ridiculous or hopeless, it makes us human.

Though we stumble or even fall occasionally, we can always right ourselves and take a better next step. Therapy is not about the past. Therapy is about brushing off the dust and re-engaging the journey with fresh eyes and full heart.

Let’s have the conversation that changes your life.

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The Trip From A to B

A person leaves point A, travels a bit and winds up at point B. That’s what we see. But if we look a little deeper, this journey represents two very different trips.

In the first, the person is hanging out in A, suddenly sees B and says “WOW! That’s the place for me! I’m heading for B immediately.”

In the second, the person is hanging out in A thinking, “WOW! This sucks! I’m out of here. Oh, there’s B. That’s as good as anyplace. I’m heading for B immediately.”

One is about seeking a destination. The other is about exiting a problem.

Am I pursuing pleasure or avoiding pain? The classic question… but not always obvious.

We go from A to B all the time, but are we aware of what we’re doing?

Am I working toward a desired goal or running from an undesirable situation?

Do I know if I’m coming or going?

My travels have taught me this: It’s not as important to know my route as it is to understand which trip I’m taking.

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Quote: Therapeutic Truth

“You can be kind with the truth or blunt with the facts.”  -Ruth A. Auten, LMFT

Here’s the great thing about the truth: Everybody’s got one.

I don’t put much effort into convincing people about some objective truth. They are more inclined to hear their own truth than one I might offer. My thing is to speak to people in terms of their own truth. What I do is listen to their truth and then share it back to them in such a way that it sounds fresh.

I can do this in a couple of ways. I can hit you with it like a pie in the face! But that’s more suited to comedy than therapy. I prefer to deliver your truth like an alarm clock. If I share something you know is true, it will get your attention. And if it’s a new take on a long standing truth, it just might wake you up! It might create a fresh outlook on some long standing issues. This can lead to a new path, a new goal or a new understanding of yourself. Now you are primed to make some real progress!

When a client comes into my office, this is how I approach the work:
Let’s have the conversation that changes your life.

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The Therapist’s Job

“What do you do?” is a question I hear from time to time. What is the job of the psychotherapist? It’s a reasonable question. Here’s one way I see it:

When someone feels stuck, I create opportunities for change. I do this by opening their perspective. Usually when people are stuck it’s because they don’t see any other way to go. When they become aware of more possibilities they are no longer stuck. Now they have a choice. They may choose to stay where they are. But that’s no longer stuck, that’s becomes their conscious choice.

Sometimes after I have helped a client see more of the paths open to them, they ask me which one they should take. They want me to tell them which way to go.

I won’t do this. It’s not my job to make the choice for them. It is my job to help them see more of the alternatives available to them. When their perspective is less limited and more possibilities are open to them, my job is done.

Now their job begins.

They must assume responsibility for deciding which is their best path for now.

It’s my job to expand their map. It’s their job to choose the road! When we both do our jobs well, the result is greater satisfaction.

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Quote: Solving Problems

“We become more effective problem solvers when we work less on our problems and more on ourselves.”  -HSW

Problem solving isn’t so much about defeating issues as it is about seeing through them. To do this we need to take the most advantageous perspective on the problem.

The easiest way to find this perspective is to try on as many perspectives as possible until I find one that works well for this situation. This requires two things:

  1. Having a big stable of different perspectives.
  2. Having the ability to switch perspectives without getting stuck in one.

We all have the potential to be great problem solvers, but it requires attention and practice to hone our skill. It takes work to become a better problem solver…

But it’s work we do on ourselves instead of on the problem!


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The Breaks

Therapy is all about the breaks: Breakdowns and Breakthroughs.

Breakdowns lead us into therapy and Breakthroughs get us out.

Breakdowns are simply moments when I realize what I’m doing isn’t working and it’s clear something must change. I don’t mean just suspecting or thinking about it, I mean actually realizing I can’t take one more step on my current path.

Breakthroughs are just “Aha” moments when I flash on a new possibility. I suddenly see a fresh approach I’d never considered before, and now I can start doing things differently… thus creating the possibility of different results. Maybe better results!

Breakdowns and breakthroughs are a mainstay of psychotherapy. Sometimes, when close to a breakthrough, I push too hard and wind up breaking down. And at times when I’m at my limit and all seems lost, I break through to an insight which changes everything.

Breakdowns and Breakthroughs: Isn’t it interesting how the promise of one can lead me into the other?

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Fighting Over Small Things

A lot of couples come to therapy citing a series of squabbles over petty issues. Here’s the first thing I tell them:

There are no fights over small things. All fights are about big things. We blame them on small things in order to distract us from the real issues, which are very painful to broach.

When we think we’re fighting over many small things, it’s really about one or two big things we’re trying hard to avoid.

But the longer we avoid them the bigger they become. The flood of hard feelings puts more and more pressure on my emotional dam… eventually I start springing leaks. As time goes on the leaks become more frequent and the triggers get smaller and smaller…

Until finally the littlest things set me off.

But they’re just the triggers of the leaks, they’re not the issue generating the pressure.

And you point to this small thing that set me off and say “That’s no big deal, why are you so worked up about it?”

And I know you’re right…

And we talk about how small this thing is and how my reaction is so over the top…

And then it’s settled.

And I still don’t feel better.

And we never discuss the real reason I’m so upset…

And we don’t relieve any of the pressure on the dam…

And here comes the next small thing!

A good therapist helps identify the bigger issues and provides a safe place to discuss them. Working together toward releasing blame and building compassionate understanding, this grows intimacy.

This relieves the pressure on the dam.

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Finding The “Up” in Break-Up

My partner dumped me. Now I’m consumed with ugly feelings of rejection.

No one needs to tell us being rejected by a romantic partner is bad, it’s written into our DNA. I’m severed from the herd, left to fend for myself in a hostile world. I need the pack to survive and now my lifeline is cut. Yes, that sucks on a primal level, but…

What about the upside? Before diving headlong into the depths of despair, consider this:

They saved me time, the most valuable commodity in life! Would I rather have spent years more before ending this relationship?

They woke me up by disrupting my complacency. Sometimes “my relationship” is code for “my rut.” How often does a break-up lead to a new look or style that gets us excited again. Why didn’t I make that change before the break-up? Perhaps in a better relationship I might have been motivated (or inspired) to do so without breaking up.

They helped me see something I couldn’t (or wasn’t ready to) see. When my partner breaks up with me, there are issues in the relationship. Usually I can cite a number of these problems myself (some of them deal breakers, too). After the ego bruise heals, was I really that crazy about this match? It is extremely rare that total bliss leads to a break-up.

And the biggest upside of breakups:
They settled the question, “Was this my ideal partner?” Anyone who thinks they lost the perfect partner needs to consider this: “Would my perfect partner break up with me?” If the answer is yes, you need to schedule an appointment with me immediately!  🙂

So, should I thank them? Not just yet, that bastard/bitch doesn’t deserve it! But in my heart of hearts, I acknowledge my ex for giving me the chance to do better, even if I wasn’t quite ready to take the step myself. They’re offering me a lesson in life. If I pay attention, I will make a wiser choice when selecting my next partner.

My partner (like Life) is constantly offering me lessons, but I don’t have to take them. I can always remain stuck in victimization and blame. The choice to see the positives and improve my next attempt is simply that, a choice.

In life, lessons are mandatory but learning is optional.




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